Filipino-American Social Networking
The ups and downs of bi-cultural families
I read this interesting article about a Caucasian woman who married a Filipino-American. She described the cultural differences between them, their families and the little idiosyncracies that make each culture, American and Filipino, unique. I thought it was well written and very candid about the ups and downs of being in a bi-cultural marriage. Following is an excerpt from the piece. What are your thoughts on this article? Did you grow up in a bi-racial family? If so, what is your experience?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by jocelyn nerveza on -
my children are multi-racial. i, being filipina and my husband japanese and caucasian. i feel that my children follow my filipino culture more than their father's because he was raised more on the caucasian side. his mother being more japanese and caucasian was raised by their father who is full okinawan, but he raised his3 daughters very american. so when my mother in law got married, she married a caucasian man and raised her children very american. she learned how to cook very little japanese dishes and if she did make rice it was very americanized. i was puzzled the first time i ate white rice in a rice bowl with butter and soy sauce. my japanese best friend had never heard anything of it LOL. just because they looked asian i considered my husband and in-laws "white" than japanese. me and my brother were very americanized and i was considered a "coconut" dark on the outside, but white on the inside. but since my parents and family members still taught us the filipino cultures and values i considered myself more filipino. my children know more about their filipino culture than the japanese culture, because my in- laws never grew up in that culture. so my children consider themselves filipino than filipino/japanese/caucasian.
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Permalink Reply by Julius D. Aquino on -
hey carlos.. i read the full article and i believe that the husband should of communicated with his wife and letting her know about the "filipino" culture. it makes me think... i have dated white girls in my past and when it somewhat got serious i made sure they know our culture/ traditions.. like blessing elders.. and calling people auntie and uncle and so forth.. and calling my parents mr and mrs aquino.. i think communication in a realtionship especially a bi-racial one is very important so one will never feel bad about making a mistake in one anothers culture and tradition.
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Permalink Reply by Josie M. on -
I was born in the Philippines but grew up in the Midwest USA in the early 70's, where there were hardly any Filipinos. So naturally, I adapted to the American lifestyle and as my father told me "when you're in Rome be a Roman, when you are in America, be an American". I was married to a white man and we raise our son void of cultural rules, but more of how to be a successful individual. My whole family is now 3 generations here, with most of the second and 3rd generation more white than Filipino blood, and all are Americanized in attitude. They all recognized that one of their parents is Filipino, they still know about Filipino food, will or will not go to church, can understand a little bit of the dialect, but don't speak it. And they are all perfectly fine accepting who they are and have no problem assimilating with any other race.
My problem right now is that my son is very much attracted to a Filipina, who even though was born in the Western world, and grew up here insist that she follows the Filipino rules. Even though I dated American style in my time, I raised a son who is a gentleman, and was respectful when he asked her out for dinners and dancing. He was kind and not push for anything, not even holding hands. However, when he tried to let her know that he is smitten with her, her response was she only wants to be friends. A few months later, SHE text him and let him know she'd like to go out with him again as he knows how to treat her. She'll suggest they go to certain bars and places, but my son was forking out for all these expenses. I know all these because my son turns to me as to how he proceed to treat a Filipina girl. But this raises a red flag for me and my son because she will never fork out towards meals, a cupt of coffee, or even a tip, So for someone who insist they only be friends, but is the one suggesting to go here and there, I feel not reciprocating with the expenses is not fair. And now I wonder if she's just using my son. I feel the old Filipino tradition of women playing hard to get is not realistic and apply to our modern world. It's not like he's asking for intimacy let alone a kiss. As he told me once it's like taking out a sister. In spite of it all, he still goes out with her. I finally met her when we all went out to dinner, and she even tried to correct my English for something so very trivial. I feel you don't do that to someone's mother the first time you meet them. Am I wrong to be upset? Do I have reasons to be concerned? I am asking the Fil-Am community 'cause maybe I feel I have lost touch to what is wrong or right in Filipino courtship - even though we are here in the US. At this point I feel my son can do better, but it's ultimately his choice. They are both in their late 20's. Thank you for any input.
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Permalink Reply by sheila crisostomo on -
hi josie...i am here in Philippines and never been to US but i am proud to be a part of this site...as for your questions regarding courtship and the filipina way of playing hard to get...well all i can say is..it doesn't exist anymore even to a pure full blooded pinays...the way you relay your story..u're sounding like a real worried mom...i smile a little...knowing that moms are really ready to do everything to protect their child..hehe..if the girl just wants to be friend ur son.. the correct manner should be to act as a friend not as a girlfriend "girlfriend"...even in a relationships, both should share expenses and not to give solely to the man just because he is your boyfriend or vice versa..isn't it..i think in US they practice the so called sharing of expenses while here in manila...its somewhat taboo not to pay for everything when you're the guy...but since it is really crisis now..hehe..they do share...and even most of the times..women are the one who usually give in...if they do care for the man...if your son is really in love w/that filipina lady you are telling..no amount of money can stop him from dating her even if she says that she only want him to be her friend..but since he is discussing money matters with you..i think your son is not yet really in love so don't worry...it will pass by..and regarding her behavior while you're having a dinner for the first time..i think u still have the filipina trait and u r upset that u were not treated in a manner you expected to be treated..filipinos are known to be polite so that is what u r expecting her to be...and i know your son will be able to meet more girls and will encounter lots of differences..and its good..it will make him more mature and more aware that having a partner is not just picking flowers along the garden..not all beautiful faces are beautiful inside...have a nice day...=)
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Permalink Reply by Carlos Tabora on -
Thank you for your post Josie. I believe that your concerns are well-founded. Dating these days can be challenging especially when pursuing someone who has already stated that she only wants to be friends. Perhaps their friendship will grow into something more, but I think that your son should re-affirm with her again (and periodically if necessary) as to where their relationship is headed. If it's truly just going to stay on the friends route, then I believe that she should help pay for the expenses of their little get-togethers. Perhaps he can take her out on more group outings with other friends to help her get accustomed to chipping in for their group expenses or at the very least - paying her own way. Please keep us updated on how things develop.
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Permalink Reply by Josie M. on
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Thank you Carlos, Sheila and DeAnna. I feel so much better already with your advice and support. And my apologies for not being able to get back here sooner. Life's been pretty hectic - between work and chores at home.
As far as my issue, well, I couldn't hold all that pent up emotion inside, and talked to my husband of which he said, I needed to talk to my son about my concerns or forever hold my peace. So I sent my son a letter, so I can express myself better. We haven't discussed it, but I feel that he is allowing himself to look around, and meet other girls. Apparently this Filipina girl have not moved her stance as going beyond friendship, so I am just glad that my son is meeting other people. Hopefully he wouldn't get hurt and who knows the right girl may just come along. I'm praying very hard!!! :D
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Permalink Reply by DeAnna Cruz-Dover on -
You know, I've been VERY fortunate to have grown up in a community where other asians / filipinos are VERY accepting of me and my family. I've never had to deal with any of them saying I am not filipina enough or asian enough. I am Filipina, Chinese & Native American... The hardest thing for me was when my family moved closer to a Native American Reservation, because then I was not accepted, even if I am more Native than I am anything else...
Growing up in a bi-racial family is both a blessing & curse.... Because of the lack of family history on my filipino/chinese side, (when my grandfather immigrated over from manila, he lost ALL contact with his entire fam in the PI after the war) I can't say that I know 100% the teachings.. Let alone tell the difference between what is considered a filipino trait or a native trait.. Same with traditions & teachings... My grandfather never ever spoke of his life in the PI and never answered anyone's questions about our filipino side.. He threw away all the photos he had, all the letters, everything. So what I know is what ever characteristics i seemed to have inherited from him and from my dad.... It also helps to have filipino friends to answer some questions.... :)
I grew up in a home where everything was kind of just mixed into one big family tradition/teaching.. Not until I went to school with other native american children did I realize, why is it i don't know how to use a fork? why does my dad pack me rice & fish in my lunch box? i started to notice the differences in my home life compared to other native kids, and came to realize i was raised alot more filipino than i realized....
So yes, I am still learning more and more about my cultures. I walk the fine line of being filipina-american, chinese-american, native american and also trying to fit in with the rest of western society...
I think being bi-racial is not limited to us people that are mixed blood, but to all filipino-american's as well.. not only are you filipino, but you also walk the fine line of fitting into what america considers is "normal" so to speak.
i think as long as you know who you are and carry that with you, never forgetting what your family has gone through to get to this point, you'll never lose sight of who you are.... Being bi-racial is a beautiful thing, and people being acceptive of that is even more beautiful! :)
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Permalink Reply by Julius D. Aquino on
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well said....!!
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